And he called one of the servants, and asked what these things meant.And he said to him: Thy brother is come, and thy father hath killed the fatted calf, because he hath received him safe.
And he was angry, and would not go in. His father therefore coming out began to entreat him.And he answering, said to his father: Behold, for so many years do I serve thee, and I have never transgressed thy commandment, and yet thou hast never given me a kid to make merry with my friends:But as soon as this thy son is come, who hath devoured his substance with harlots, thou hast killed for him the fatted calf.
But he said to him: Son, thou art always with me, and all I have is thine.But it was fit that we should make merry and be glad, for this thy brother was dead and is come to life again; he was lost, and is found. -Luke 15:26-32
I often wounder why I love this story so much. I think it has to do with what I see as insight into the nature of God. At times I liken myself to the prodigal son. Other times like the faithful son. In all of my struggles with scrupulosity, and fearful thoughts of infinite damnation. I see hope.
It does not matter if one is the faithful or the prodigal son. God is there for us. Rewards are abundant to the faithful son. Great celebration and reunification for the one who was lost. Not only does the wayward son receives his inheritance. He partakes in the storehouses and treasures of his father. A true image of mercy and grace.
God will not forsake any child who calls upon him. Such great hope in this story. So why do I have such great struggle in my heart? Why do I fear damnation? Where does this unworthy disposition come from? I love the Lord with all my heart. In my prayers and lectio divina I have reached heavenly places. Experienced things I am unable to write for I know not the words to describe it.
Still I feel that I am a retched sinner. The sins of my past that are great and burdensome weigh heavy on my heart. If only I truly understood the ramification of these sins. I was but a wretched fool. I have confessed these sins to God. Not publicly with a priest for I was a protestant. Such practices were not done. I hope they are forgiven. I hope there is hope for me.
So this year I am coming to Lent as the prodigal son. I will come to my priest in humility and seek peace. I will fast, and pray and surrender to our Lord this lent. That I will arise anew with Jesus our Christ.
Peace be to you all.